That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
