i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
