We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
