I didn't shave. On purpose
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
