so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
