he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
