i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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