I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
