I wanna bring you to show and tell
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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