Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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