from now on my penis is your penis
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
