I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
