He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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