drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I think I died a long time ago.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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