Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
