before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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