she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
