did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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