I faked an abortion last night.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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