Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
