last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
