The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
