its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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