And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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