I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
