Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
