where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Two words: nipple clamps
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