9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
