oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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