I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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