do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
