Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Your cock deserves a montage
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
