Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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