he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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