He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
