before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
