I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
