peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
