is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Randomize
