Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
