ugly people sure do ruin things
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Found your dick twin last night
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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