I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Randomize
