where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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