I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
