So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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