my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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