if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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