Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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