So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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