this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
