How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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