just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
